What Do We Do With Anger?

Hello there, Life.

Today you are asking me an important question: What do we do with angry feelings? We all have them, and the first brave step is admitting that—to ourselves, without shame. The tricky part isn’t feeling anger; it’s deciding what to do with it. Thank you for asking, Life. I’ll do my best to answer.

Anger is a valid and real emotion. We often resist it because it makes us feel out of control. It unsettles us, creates inner chaos, and sometimes makes us want to crawl back into bed and avoid the world. But since we can’t live a meaningful life from under the covers, we have to find another way.

The first thing we need to understand is this: anger is rarely the root emotion. It’s usually a protector—something deeper hiding underneath. Anger can mask fear, hurt, sadness, disappointment, or insecurity. Those emotions are heavy and uncomfortable. It’s much easier to stay angry than to feel what’s really there.

But that shortcut comes at a cost, dear Life.

When we refuse to look beneath anger, the buried emotion doesn’t disappear. It finds another outlet. Over time, it can manifest as anxiety, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or addiction.

Addiction is a chronic, sometimes treatable condition in which a person uses a substance or engages in a behavior despite negative physical, psychological, or social consequences. Addiction changes the brain, impairing self-control and creating intense cravings.

So what does addiction often look like?

• A powerful urge to use or engage in a behavior

• An inability to stop or reduce the behavior

• Changes in brain circuits related to reward, stress, and self-control

• Physical or psychological distress when the behavior is removed

That’s a lot of information, but it matters. When people hear the word addiction, they often think only of drugs or alcohol. That’s only part of the truth. Addiction is really about compulsion—anything that overrides judgment in an attempt to escape pain.

Life, when you don’t want to feel anger or what lies beneath it, you may reach for anything that brings relief, even temporarily. But temporary relief can turn into a vicious cycle if we don’t stop to address the real source of the pain.

So where do we begin?

We begin by allowing anger to exist.

Once we recognize it—without judgment—we can take steps to help ourselves feel safer and more regulated in the moment.

Here are some tools that can help when anger rises:

• Deep breathing and slow counting

• Removing yourself from the triggering situation

• Relaxation techniques: calming music, gentle stretching, or tensing and releasing muscles

• Distraction (one of my favorites): coloring, reading, or calling a trusted friend

• Physical release: squeezing a stress ball, hitting a pillow, or going for a walk

But the biggest work, Life, comes after the moment passes.

Learning your triggers is essential—and often the hardest part. Trauma can leave lasting imprints on the nervous system. PTSD (that’s a whole other blog post) can cause us to react as if we are still in the original painful situation, even when we are safe.

I left my trauma over ten years ago, but my startle response hasn’t quite caught up yet.

This is where journaling becomes a powerful ally. Writing your thoughts down helps organize them, slow them, and make sense of them. When you read your own words back, you create space between the emotion and your identity. You begin to process rather than react.

Conclusion

Anger isn’t the enemy, Life. Avoidance is.

Anger is a messenger, asking us to pause, listen, and look inward. When we treat it with curiosity instead of fear, it guides us toward healing rather than destruction. Feeling anger—and what lies beneath it—doesn’t make you weak. It makes you honest.

So the next time anger shows up, don’t push it away. Sit with it. Breathe with it. Ask it what it’s protecting. In doing so, you choose awareness over escape, growth over numbing, and compassion over judgment.

And that, dear Life, is how we move forward—awake, present, and whole.